Caught on Google Maps
Here’s me on street view, pushing my son along Sutton Place, Hackney. I wondered what that camera van was up to.
Published on 20th March, 2009
“There’s pink bits”: St Patrick’s Day 2005
Ah, St Patrick’s Day. Reminded me of what I was doing exactly four years ago. Never again.
–
Travelled north today. Usual haul from London up to Newcastle, then colleague and I hopped onto the Vandals’ Express to Sunderland.
Twenty minutes later, we’re standing outside Sunderland Station, lost and looking at an empty taxi rank. Tip off from an old guy who tells us we want the main entrance. We get there, hop into the first taxi. Driver opens the boot so we can dump in the luggage. Quick bag count and I realise my rucksack’s still on the train.
Dash back. Train’s gone. Back again to the taxi, where the meter’s ticking along nicely. Colleague and I decide to head for guest house, open negotiations with the train people from there. Half way to destination, driver remembers something. “There’s two guys down at that station. They’re there all night.”
Back to station. No harm in profiting from a little good will. Find a porter. He hits his office and calls Newcastle.
“Come back at five-to-ten. If they’ve got it, can you be here at 10.20? If not, they’ll send it to god-knows-where, miles away.”
I can be there.
“Get yourself a coffee at Burger King.”
Anything for a laugh, so off up the stairs and into the street. Miss the Burger King behind me. Head past a Wetherspoons with a few tarts hanging round the entrance. Then along by a Yates’s and a nightclub, before wheeling round and discovering the place I want.
Distressed Burger King. Chairs all up on tables, bar a circle at the front. Drunken punters, all wearing “St Pat’s Hats” shaped like a pint of Guinness, are sitting slurring at each other. I get in line. It smells bad, but I’m not going to get anything else. I’m hungry.
A Pat in a Hat drapes himself over the counter and starts berating one of the burger flippers.
“Did you know it’s illegal in this country to sell uncooked burgers?”
Burger Pawn looks embarrassed, has no dignity, just wants out. Hat with a Twat continues.
“See that brown bag?”
Clearly not.
“That brown bag,” continues the Twat. “The one sticking out of the bin. Fetch it”.
Burger fetches it. Hat pulls out a carton and reveals a half eaten burger.
“Look,” he says prodding it. “There’s pink bits. If you sell burgers like that you’re going to poison people.”
I get a hot chocolate. And nearly step in some vomit outside. But back at the station I’m on the phone to colleague. Porter appears. Thumbs up and says: “Twenty past ten”.
My hero.
Published on 17th March, 2009
Slimy Mandelson reading Tory documents
What was Mandelson reading? Has anyone else spotted the huge Tory logo on the front? See for yourselves.
Published on 6th March, 2009
Guardian hack “a wanker”, shock
To find out which one, read my interview with Friday Project publisher Scott Pack.
Published on 24th January, 2009
Beginning to See the Light
This chap, Max, arrived on the morning of New Year’s Day, thereby winning himself a front page slot on this week’s Hackney Gazette. He’s one reason I’ve not been blogging for a while - as well as helping to keep his nether regions fresh and clean, I’ve become a periodic hate figure for the child’s two-year-old brother.
Anyway, that’s quite enough infantile ick. Say ‘aaaaah’ and let’s move on.
What I want to draw your attention to is this: Spotify.
In return for enduring a very occasional advert, it lets you listen to a vast catalogue of music absolutely free. I’ve had a superb afternoon indulging in teenage nostalgia, and have been rediscovering (and in some cases am about to swiftly re-forget) bands like Bauhaus, The Birthday Party, The Sisters of Mercy, The Fields of the Nephilim, The Jesus Lizard, The Psychedelic Furs and all manner of dodgy nonsense. It is invigorating, and the only times I had to listen to an advert were when I listened to various out-takes of Fairytale of New York by the Pogues, and after reminding myself about this track and this one, both written (cover your eyes, I’m about to namedrop) by a cousin of mine.
So if, like me, you mostly listen to unpopular crap, your listening won’t be troubled by announcements that tax returns are due in at the end of the month. I’m now on the Velvet Underground, and I’m really beginning to see the light.
Happy New Year to you all. If you want a Spotify account, drop me a line.
Published on 10th January, 2009
Reruns of Sinbad and Queen’s Speech for Me
Happy Christmas!
Published on 25th December, 2008
Plese Keep This Receipt For You Records
Looks like the Council have been spreading festive cheer; and I thank all that is holy for the fact I don’t own a car.
But how the hell did these people manage to spell ‘receipt’ correctly, and then fail to work out the rather simpler ‘please’ and ‘your’? It gets worse. Take a look at the official documentation on the Penalty Charge Notice. Here we get delights such as ‘recieve’, ’stamp addressed envelope’, ‘Saturday 9am 1pm’ and ‘idependent adjudicator’. Surely there must be someone on the payroll who can spell?
Best of all, the poor sod whose car was towed away was fined £260 for being ‘PARKED IN A RESTRICTED STREET DURING PRESCRIBED HOURS’.
Well, surely that’s not a crime? If they’d parked during ‘proscribed’ hours, that would be a different matter. I’d challenge the ticket on those grounds.
Frankly, if I had a car that had been towed by these idiots, I’d let them crush it. Even if it were a Bentley. If it made these people happy, and kept the target-driven freaks off my case, I’d consider myself someone who had got off lightly.
Published on 23rd December, 2008
Hackney Mayor Backed Sinclair Censorship
Did Hackney’s Mayor Jules Pipe back the ban on author Ian Sinclair launching his book in Stoke Newington Library? Of course he did. Jules clearly doesn’t like people suggesting the 2012 Olympics will do feck all for the borough (apart from, perhaps, pay for a nice Chinese jolly for Pipe and his pals).
Still, there’s one belly laugh to be had in the Hackney Citizen’s analysis of material gathered by a Freedom of Information request.
…the Council decided to un-invite Sinclair despite being issued the following warning in a “book launch risk analysis”: “Cancellation of a library event on the grounds of the legal content of a work runs contrary both the ethics (sic.) of the profession and to the principle of the Stock Acquisition Policy which states that Hackney will adhere to the CILIP Policy on Intellectual Freedom and Censorship. This policy has been signed off by the Lead Member for Culture.”
With a prescience verging on the prophetic, the risk analysis also warns that Sinclair might publicise the cancellation on BBC Radio Four (he did just that).
Nice to know that, round here, officials are prepared to go over the top and face enemy fire - all in the good name of censorship.
Published on 18th December, 2008
Hackney Yesterday. Greenwich Today.
I’ve made no secret of the fact I think that my local council’s propaganda rag, Hackney Today, is a dreadful waste of money.
Even those fellow residents who seem to like it might be surprised to learn that we’re paying to send Council propaganda to the residents of Greenwich. This morning a pal of mine dropped me an email to say:
Morning Ben
A copy of Hackney Today was stuffed in my door yesterday - odd.
Has Hackney Council embarked on an amphibious campaign over the Thames?
Naturally, I could only commiserate. Luckily my friend took a thoroughly practical approach to the nuisance:
Straight in the recycling and careful hand washing after.
Oddly enough, the Hackney waste people left my copy of the rag at the bottom of my recycling bin this week. Can’t think why they didn’t want to take it with them.
Published on 17th December, 2008
Polyphonic Can-Can
I’ve just published an interview with my pal Katy Evans-Bush, who you’ll probably know as the author of the Baroque in Hackney blog. She’s got some good stuff to say for herself, so go and take a look.
Published on 8th December, 2008