I’m an old c*nt
Okay. At 34 years old, with the same dishevelled side parting and penchant for brogues that I had at school, I’m not exactly street. It’s just a shock to realise that I’m as slow witted as a tortoise on smack.
This evening I met up with a pleasant fellow, Keith, who edits the Hackney Citizen (and seems to like printing my guff). I had two halves of Leffe and, because I’d omitted supper, decided on my way home to drop into the chipper on Stoke Newington Church Street. Nothing like the combination of beer and chips to summon up the ghosts of my Belgian ancestors, whether Chaudoir or Ghiesbrecht.
As I turned into Church Street, just by the place opposite the Defoe that used to be a Franco-Welsh restaurant (honest), I was listening to Shane and the Popes.
Kahaya! You fuck!
Come Hell or high water
I might have fucked your Missus
But I never fucked your daughter
I was also eyeballing a group of three teenagers on the pavement outside the Auld Shillelagh. The diffidence to slouch ratio fixed them as belonging to the ‘93 or ‘94 vintage. As I walked past, two clustered round me, if such a thing is possible, and one spoke.
Not that I could hear him.
Fol-diddle-dee-ahhh
Fol-diddle-dee-ahhh
Fol-diddle-dee-ahhh
Fol-diddle-dee-ahhh
So I unplugged one earphone.
“What?”
Teenager, huskily: “Is there a shop round here?”
“What?”
“A shop. Is there a shop round here?”
Fucking idiots, you’re standing next to one. I point: “Yes. It’s just there”.
“Thanks mate.”
“Don’t mention it.”
Earphone back in.
As sure as I’m Father Emmett
I’ve a King Dong down me Semmett
As any girl will tell you
From Cavan down to Clare
Back in sweet Virginia
In the toilet with Lavinia
I nearly fucked her brains out
And tore her party dress…
Then, standing in the queue to the chip shop, a moment of realisation and a self-reproach.
“Oh, a shop. If they wanted to buy drugs, why didn’t they just say so.”
I’m an old c*nt sometimes.
Published on 18th November, 2008
Identikit quirkiness
Most droll, and more than a little accurate. Found with a Masonic Boom.
Published on 16th October, 2008
Save Clapton Tram Depot
Anyone familiar with property development in Hackney will know that ‘progress’ generally means sweeping existing residents out of an area, and replacing them with richer ones. Perhaps the most depressing instance of ‘get what you’re given’ officialdom is focused on the centre of Dalston - OPEN Dalston has the whole story.
Anyway, the latest rash of unimaginative flats is likely to be built on top of the old Tram Depot on Upper Clapton Road. The Depot is home to lots of small and successful businesses, including an accident repair centre (above), and a thriving bunch of artists.
Upper Clapton is the area of London I first lived in, when I stayed at my cousin’s old flat back in 1998. It has its problems, and much of it could do with sprucing up. But I really don’t think destroying one of the most beneficial amenities in the immediate community is the way to do it.
If you agree, I’d recommend signing the petition here. Quickly.
If you don’t, ask yourself whether you’d really like to see yet another development that looks like this:
And push businesses like these out:
I know what I’d prefer. If you agree, visit this page to sign the petition and find out how you can help.
Published on 4th October, 2008
A letter from Stoke Newington
This landed in my inbox last night. It made me smile.
I was just Googling Nando’s to see if they do take-aways (they do) and came across your piece on the smug campaign to stop them opening. Great stuff, you echo my thoughts precisely. Stoke Newington was already pretty self-righteous when I came here 18 years ago, and bringing up a child here I have witnessed some appalling behaviour and mind blowing hypocrisy among the middle class. Over the years I have found myself being on the periphery, there through having a child with a bit of a funny name, being white and working in the media, of various mean spirited little groups. The trickle of children from state into private schools, and the reasoning given, as parents desperately tried to cling onto shreds of credibility to bolster their self images as socialists and unconventional, ranged from downright lies to pathetically transparent, to the offensive ‘a boy like Tarquin can’t stay at that school’ (sub-text… my son is brighter, more sensitive than yours, and we’ve got the money). I hope I can look forward to another such fine piece of writing about the annoying aspects of this place some time soon.
Published on 4th October, 2008
Hackney Today Self Realisation Shocker
Most of you will have no doubt about my views on Hackney Today, our local council propaganda sheet. However, this week, its headline writer appears to have broken loose with this shaft of wit/ cocked up massively [delete as appropriate].
I just glanced at my copy, which I found as I left my flat 30 minutes ago. Writ large on the front page is a succinct and massive headline:
JUST BIN IT
Such sound advice. World class, even. It’ll be even funnier if it turns out to be a piece on recycling. I’ll show you a copy when I get back to my desk.
UPDATE: I’m back at my desk. Here’s the front page. On closer inspection, the proximity of “Just Bin It” next to the story about the Olympics (which won’t benefit locals) is rather prescient too.
Published on 10th September, 2008
Note to the surveillance people…
…who have been operating in my street for the last few months.
You’re rubbish.
I am quite interested to know who you’re watching, though. Next time I’m passing could one of you let me know?
Published on 7th September, 2008
Swan song?
A quick post because I’m pushed for time. But it’s a topic I’ve been meaning to write about - and I promised a reader that I would.
The photo above (courtesy of here) is of a local pub, The Swan, on Clapton Common.
Many residents are angry because it is in the process of being sold off by owners Punch Taverns. They’re particularly annoyed by the fact that none of the pub staff or customers knew about this, or were consulted on the plans.
The situation is particularly delicate because the pub is being bought by local Orthodox Jews who plan to turn the building into a synagogue.
There are arguments on both sides, as this letter from a local Orthodox Jew shows. If, as he says, Hackney Council makes it difficult for his community to create new facilities of this kind, then who can blame them for buying a suitable building like the pub?
For what it’s worth, the Swan isn’t my favourite local drinking hole (although I like it well enough, and occasionally drop in for a pint), and if the owners want to sell it that’s their prerogative. That said, there are precious few pubs in this locality, and this one is genuinely welcoming to all communities. The only other boozer in the area is down by the canal, and that is so tiny that it could never meet demand.
What I don’t like about the situation is that The Swan appears to have been sold off without the knowledge of those people whose livelihoods depend on it, and without telling the people for whom it is a popular community facility. That is shabby.
If Punch Taverns must sell, I’d prefer to see the pub on the open market, rather than sold off in a secretive deal, which was obviously going to be controversial from the outset. That way, if there’s enough local will to keep the building in use as a pub, I’m sure people will raise the money to do it. Or convince another buyer to step in on their behalf - it’s certainly a pub that could, with an imaginative approach, be very profitable indeed.
There’s more on the story at the new campaign site www.savetheswan.com. And if you’re in the area, and you want to show your support, there’s a meeting at the pub at 7pm this Sunday (7th September).
Published on 2nd September, 2008
Sporting Unreality in “Hackney Today”
Stop me if I’ve mentioned it before, but I really do resent the fact that local residents have to fork out for for the Council’s propaganda rag, Hackney Today. Enough is enough: it’s time to scrap this disgraceful newspaper and spend the money on something worthwhile. Like poverty. Or crime. Or the educational rationing that sees so many kids rejected from all of the five Hackney secondary schools they’ve applied for.
Anyway, what’s got my goat this time is this:
And because the Council is now run more efficiently, this hasn’t added a penny to Council Tax, with local tax rates frozen in Hackney for the past three years.
Jules Pipe, Mayor of Hackney, writing in Hackney Today, 21 July 2008
Now try this:
A Gazette investigation has uncovered millions of pounds of taxpayer’s money written off by Hackney Council.
Almost £40million of debt went uncollected in the last financial year, an audit of the town hall books revealed.
Hackney Gazette, 7 August 2008
And there’s the real story: if Hackney Council wasn’t so badly run, we might have benefited from a Council Tax cut. Or the missing £40 million could have been used to improve residents’ lives for the better.
Jules, as I’ve observed, is a statistics machine. He reminds me of the people I met in the voluntary sector who believed that quoting inspirational snippets was an adequate alternative to actually doing something for the people they were employed to help.
Oh well. At least we’ve got the Olympics to give us a shot in the arm in 2012. Jules says so:
Hackney is at the heart of where the Games will happen in four years’ time, and we are making the most of this by working hard to secure the best possible benefits for residents.
Jules Pipe, Mayor of Hackney, writing in Hackney Today, 4 August 2008
Well, five of them anyway - assuming that the Council staff and councillors just sent to Beijing at the cost of £30,000 all live in the borough. Here’s a table, just in from the Telegraph (Jules’s old paper), showing how much each of the so-called five “Olympic Boroughs” have just spent sending officials over to China.
1) Hackney. 5 staff. £30,000. (£6,000 per person)
2) Greenwich. 6 staff. £14,000. (£2333.33 per person)
3) Newham. 4 staff. £9,000. (£2250 per person)
4) Tower Hamlets. None. £0. (£0 per person)
5) Waltham Forest. None. £0. (£0 per person)
Value for money, eh, Jules? Oh well, at least you’ll be on the trip yourself. Here’s the Telegraph again:
The Olympic park site also spans parts of Hackney, whose council are spending £30,000 of public money on sending the Mayor of Hackney Jules Pipe, the Cabinet Member for Regeneration and the 2012 Olympic and Paralympic Games Cllr Guy Nicholson, the chief executive Tim Shields, the assistant chief executive Sue Primmer and the Council’s chief officer for the 2012 Games Charlie Forman.
Much as one could argue that £30,000 is great value for getting these people out of the country where they can’t do quite so much damage, this remark is rather telling.
A Hackney spokesman said: “Hackney’s key legacy opportunity from the 2012 Games is to ensure the media centres are transformed into a regional hub for media and creative industries after 2012, with the potential to create 8,000 jobs locally.”
In other words, despite saying only three days ago that “Hackney is at the heart of where the Games will happen in four years’ time”, Jules is off to China in a desperate taxpayer-funded bid to beg a few scraps for Hackney from the Olympic table. Because, quite frankly, we’re going to get feck all:
The borough’s business community fears Hackney may not receive the expected boost in tourism during the 2012 Olympic Games.And their concerns could be well founded after John Armitt, chairman of the Olympic Delivery Authority, admitted in an exclusive interview with the Gazette that most visitors would bypass the borough.
With the man below in charge, is it any wonder?
Published on 7th August, 2008
Race is to the miffed
For all the praise or flak it gets for being a multicultural London borough, some folk seem unable to talk about Hackney’s racial make-up without reaching for a dog whistle and giving it a good, hard blow.
You’ll see what I mean if you take a look at this post of Luke Akehurst’s, which I picked up on over at Dave Hill’s Clapton Pond Blog. In it, Luke is taking a pop at this Spectator article by Anthony Browne, formerly of the Policy Exchange and now Boris Johnson’s Policy Director.
I recommend you read Browne’s article. I fully agree that he talks a lot of bollocks, including nonsense like:
Many on the Left hope so because they believe that the only way to end racism is to end races; the only way to conquer Nazism, they argue, is mass miscegenation — interracial love rather than war.
It’s a cheap shot, and it certainly doesn’t - in my opinion - reflect the views of most people on the Left. You could certainly argue that Browne is puffing on the dog whistle himself, but for a different audience. But, insofar as I can see, the rest of his argument boils down to:
1) The modern trend towards diversity is a Western phenomenon.
2) People tend to gravitate towards others who have the same language, culture and values.
3) As poorer economies prosper, fewer people leave for richer countries in search of prosperity; and, indeed, many people start to return to their homelands.
4) The decline of diversity within countries preserves the diversity between them.
I agree with the first three points (Poland and migrant Poles would be a good, up-to-date example of them), even if I have major reservations about the fourth. I also think Browne has a rather distorted idea about what Hackney is actually like, but I’ll come back to that in a bit.
Up to this point, I suspect Cllr Akehurst and I are mostly in agreement. As he says:
One of the things that is right about my borough though, and really works, is that it functions pretty well as a model of a multifaith and multiethnic community. People live along side [sic] each other in relative peace and harmony and on the whole they appreciate and enjoy this diversity.
He’s right. We do live alongside each other in relative peace and harmony (though it’s far from perfect), and - on the whole - people are pretty tolerant of each other. However, I don’t think Hackney really works well as “a model of a multifaith and multiethnic community” - what it does do, though, is show that a fairly large number of communities can co-exist in the same administrative area, live mostly separate lives, and rub along well where they have to or want to. But to imply, as Luke does, that Hackney is a single, multicultural community does not reflect the reality.
I’d be happy to disagree, and leave it at that. But Luke made my jaw drop by failing to actually address Browne’s argument, instead listing these quotes from the latter’s article:
“Many on the Left … believe that the only way to end racism is to end races; the only way to conquer Nazism, they argue, is mass miscegenation” (I’ve never heard anyone on the left say this!
“The champions of diversity ultimately believe that our future is not as a species with many races, but with one race — a quarter Chinese, a quarter Indian, a quarter African and a quarter European.”
“The eternal human urge for self-segregation — surrounding yourself with people like you — is likely to triumph over the more ephemeral economic and political incentives to leave what you know.”
“It is not Hackney that is the future of the world, but Japan.”
“Sharing the same language, culture and values as the people you come into daily contact with may not be excitingly multicultural, but it means you end up with deeper relationships, a sense of community, belonging and security.”
“The white flight — or white self-segregation — which is such a feature of US cities is now endemic in the UK, with hundreds of thousands of white Briton’s (sic) fleeing the effects of the government’s open border policy on London each year.”
“The slowing of mass migration is good for those who appreciate real diversity. The decline of diversity within countries preserves the diversity between them.”
All of which, selected with the true skill of the dog-whistler, are designed to spark fear and worry amongst minority groups - and others - who might not have read some of the following from the same article:
“…I have been convinced that mixed-race people, by a blessing of nature, combine the best of all their parts.”
“And as our minorities keep telling us, it is not easy being a minority, since in democracies it is the majority that sets the rules.”
“Self-segregation is apparent all around us, but there is a reluctance to accept it because it mocks multiculturalism”.
In a tour de force of doublethink, though, Luke does accept the self-segregation that’s all around us. Why else would he go on to say this?
Do Hackney’s Tory Councillors, eight out of nine of whom are from minority faith and ethnic communities, know about the views of their London Mayor’s Policy Director about the model of community harmony represented by our borough?
What? Does Cllr Akehurst really believe that all those Orthodox Jewish councillors (for that, at root is what he’s talking about) are going to get upset that someone has said this in print?
“Sharing the same language, culture and values as the people you come into daily contact with may not be excitingly multicultural, but it means you end up with deeper relationships, a sense of community, belonging and security.”
It’s all these things that have made the Chareidi so strong a community in Hackney. You could say the same, to a greater or lesser degree, of other faith and ethnic groups in Hackney: the Turks and Kurds who live in the north of Dalston and south of Stoke Newington; the Vietnamese in Shoreditch; the Africans and Caribbeans in Dalston. You could even make the same point about the enclaves of the (mostly white) middle-class people who are centred on Stoke Newington Church Street or in the leafy, spacious streets and squares of De Beauvoir.
And this brings me back to the point on which I disagree with both Anthony Browne and Luke Akehurst. Browne concluded his article by saying:
The slowing of mass migration is good for those who appreciate real diversity. The decline of diversity within countries preserves the diversity between them. Not all the world will look like Hackney, just those countries that opened their borders when push-migration was at its peak.
As Alexander Solzhenitsyn said in his Nobel Prize acceptance speech attacking multiculturalism, ‘the disappearance of nations would have impoverished us no less than if all men had become alike, with one personality and one face. Nations are the wealth of mankind, its collective personalities.’
What Browne doesn’t realise he is saying is that, if there’s a worldwide trend towards less diversity within nations, the global picture will look more like Hackney: a place in which people band together mostly with those who have the same “language, culture and values“, but still have to find ways of getting along together with others as groups and as individuals.
That’s Hackney’s strength. And I like it: except when people on both left and right exploit the weaker relationships between those communities for political gain.
Published on 3rd August, 2008
Manor Road Memorial
At the junction of Manor Road and Stamford Hill. I think it must be a memorial to Lucinda Ferrier, who was killed in an accident on 23rd July.
UPDATE: A reader called Stuart writes: “Lucinda died on June 23rd, after an accident with a HGV on the opposite side of the A10, travelling South. Luci survived for nearly four hours after the accident. The bicycle is a ghost bike placed by members of www.londonfgss.com.”
Also note I have corrected the date.
Published on 2nd August, 2008