“I suppose I’d better write a New Year blog post.”

“No, no. You sit there. I’ll do it.”

“No, really, I’ll do it myself. It’ll only take five minutes.”

“Don’t be so silly. You relax. You’re supposed to be on holiday. I’ll do it.”

“No.”

“It’s no trouble. I was just about to do a blog post for everyone, anyway.”

“That’s really nice of you, but really - I’d much rather do my own. I can do yours as well if you like.”

“No, no. Don’t worry about mine. You do yours. I’ll do mine some other time.”

“Really. It’s no trouble. I can dash yours off at the same time.”

“No no. You’re supposed to be relaxing. You do yours. Mine can wait.”

“Okay I will… Bugger. It’s gone 10 p.m.”

“Oh well. You relax. After all, you’re on holiday. Why don’t you do it tomorrow?”

If, like me, you happen to be in Lincolnshire this evening, the chances are that you won’t be having a white-knuckle ride into 2008. I’m having a pleasant and relaxing time, but it’s rather excitement-lite in the Fens at the moment. The most suspense I’ve witnessed over the last couple of days was when a fence gave way under the combined weight of four fat teenagers.

So, rather in the manner of a geriatric with a sudoku obsession, I’ve been keeping my brain alive by making ten wishes for the New Year. They are (in no particular order):

1. David Niven coming back to life and starring as James Bond in the first of eight suavely-brilliant films.
2. Professor Heinz Wolff (yes, he of Great Egg Race fame) throwing his mighty brain into creating a tasty and health-enhancing cigarette in time for my birthday, allowing me to start back on the fags again.
3. Saving a cobbler from the path of an oncoming van, thus earning his eternal gratitude and free shoe repairs for the rest of my life.
4. Perfecting the way in which I make Eggs Benedict, or meeting the person who is stupid enough to come round and cook them for me (for free).
5. An end to all jargon and that ridiculous sausage-chopping hand gesture politicians use when drivelling about “going forward”.
6. A secret drawer, and something worth hiding in it.
7. Induction into the much-maligned art of cuttting one’s own hair.
8. World peace, except in Wales.
9. Teaching the English that it’s perfectly okay to eat horse, just like their dogs do. (Teaching them that it’s okay to eat dog is a project for 2009.)
10. (And one unrealistic wish, just to bring my sunny and optimistic nature to the fore): a new Prime Minister, because no matter which way you slice it, the present one is utterly shit.

Happy New Year to you all, and may your wishes be fulfilled. And if you’re silly enough to share them, then by all means paste them below.

I’ve been married for nine years today. Scary.

Off to Lincolnshire tomorrow. Hope you like the new look of the blog. Happy New Year if I don’t write an entry before then.