I don’t normally take part in Bill’s Trollied Tuesday meme, but I thought it high time to cull some of the best terms for drunken people from the 1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue. If you take part in Trollied Tuesday yourself, you might even want to use these as a handy lexicon for future posts.

ADMIRAL OF THE NARROW SEAS. One who from drunkenness vomits into the lap of the person sitting opposite to him. SEA PHRASE.

ALTITUDES. The man is in his altitudes, i.e. he is drunk.

BORACHIO. A skin for holding wine, commonly a goat’s; also a nick name for a drunkard.

BOOSEY. Drunk.

CANDY. Drunk. IRISH

TO CAT, or SHOOT THE CAT. To vomit from drunkenness.

CHOICE SPIRIT. A thoughtless, laughing, singing, drunken fellow.

CHURL. Originally, a labourer or husbandman: figuratively a rude, surly, boorish fellow. To put a churl upon a gentleman; to drink malt liquor immediately after having drunk wine.

CLEAR. Very drunk. The cull is clear, let’s bite him; the fellow is very drunk, let’s cheat him. CANT.

CROPSICK. Sickness in the stomach, arising from drunkenness.

CUP-SHOT. Drunk.

CUT. Drunk. A little cut over the head; slightly intoxicated. To cut; to leave a person or company. To cut up well; to die rich.

DAVID’S SOW. As drunk as David’s sow; a common saying, which took its rise from the following circumstance: One David Lloyd, a Welchman, who kept an alehouse at Hereford, had a living sow with six legs, which was greatly resorted to by the curious; he had also a wife much addicted to drunkenness, for which he used sometimes to give her due correction. One day David’s wife having taken a cup too much, and being fearful of the consequences, turned out the sow, and lay down to sleep herself sober in the stye. A company coming in to see the sow, David ushered them into the stye, exclaiming, there is a sow for you! did any of you ever see such another? all the while supposing the sow had really been there; to which some of the company, seeing the state the woman was in, replied, it was the drunkenest sow they had ever beheld; whence the woman was ever after called David’s sow.

DUTCH FEAST. Where the entertainer gets drunk before his guest.

EMPEROR. Drunk as an emperor, i.e. ten times as drunk as a lord.

ENSIGN BEARER. A drunken man, who looks red in the face, or hoists his colours in his drink.

HALF SEAS OVER. Almost drunk.

HARE. He has swallowed a hare; he is drunk; more probably a HAIR, which requires washing down.

LUSHEY. Drunk. The rolling kiddeys hud a spree, and got bloody lushey; the dashing lads went on a party of pleasure, and got very drunk.

MAUDLIN DRUNK. Crying drunk: perhaps from Mary Magdalene, called Maudlin, who is always painted in tears.

NAZY. Drunken. Nazy cove or mort; a drunken rogue or harlot. Nazy nabs; drunken coxcombs.

RAT. A drunken man or woman taken up by the watch, and confined in the, watch-house. CANT. To smell a rat; to suspect some intended trick, or unfair design.

SURVEYOR OF THE HIGHWAYS. One reeling drunk.

SWILL TUB. A drunkard, a sot.

TOSS POT. A drunkard.

VICE ADMIRAL OF THE NARROW SEAS. A drunken man that pisses under the table into his companions’ shoes.

Sunday afternoon in a Church Street bar. It’s my round. The girl at the counter has slender grace, wavy copper-gold hair and marble cheekbones.

“Half a Guinness, a large white wine and a pint of Beck’s.”

She pours the stout and reaches in the fridge for the wine. There’s not quite enough in the bottle for a whole glass, so she takes out a fresh one. It has a screw cap. She grips the top and twists hard. Nothing happens.

She puts the unopened bottle back in the fridge and picks out another one. Again, she grips the top and twists. But the cap won’t budge.

“Can…,” I begin. She takes the bottle by the base and tilts it so the neck is pointing at me. I take the wine and screw off the cap, but it’s a near thing. I hand it back to her.

“Hasn’t she got beautiful eyes?” asks a dark haired woman, sitting on a stool next to me.

“She has very beautiful eyes,” I agree as the barmaid’s cheeks dapple with crimson. “Very beautiful.”

As if crap food and flatulent career-drinkers weren’t enough to put you off the Wetherspoon chain of pubs, along comes this news:

Pub chain JD Wetherspoon is limiting its customers with children to a maximum of two alcoholic drinks.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not throwing a hissy fit on behalf of the kiddies. If Wetherspoon wants to ban every last child from every last one of its boozers, then I’m right behind it. After all, there are plenty of pubs that are starting to cater for the parent-and-child market: take a look at places like the Three Crowns down in Stoke Newington.

No. What irks - incenses - me is a tinpot pub chain dictating how many drinks you can have when you take your kids out for a meal. As long as those children are safe and the pub is happy to serve them food, a warm welcome should be extended to all: even those who dare to ask for a third pint.