If, like me, you happen to be in Lincolnshire this evening, the chances are that you won’t be having a white-knuckle ride into 2008. I’m having a pleasant and relaxing time, but it’s rather excitement-lite in the Fens at the moment. The most suspense I’ve witnessed over the last couple of days was when a fence gave way under the combined weight of four fat teenagers.
So, rather in the manner of a geriatric with a sudoku obsession, I’ve been keeping my brain alive by making ten wishes for the New Year. They are (in no particular order):
- David Niven coming back to life and starring as James Bond in the first of eight suavely-brilliant films.
- Professor Heinz Wolff (yes, he of Great Egg Race fame) throwing his mighty brain into creating a tasty and health-enhancing cigarette in time for my birthday, allowing me to start back on the fags again.
- Saving a cobbler from the path of an oncoming van, thus earning his eternal gratitude and free shoe repairs for the rest of my life.
- Perfecting the way in which I make Eggs Benedict, or meeting the person who is stupid enough to come round and cook them for me (for free).
- An end to all jargon and that ridiculous sausage-chopping hand gesture politicians use when drivelling about “going forward”.
- A secret drawer, and something worth hiding in it.
- Induction into the much-maligned art of cuttting one’s own hair.
- World peace, except in Wales.
- Teaching the English that it’s perfectly okay to eat horse, just like their dogs do. (Teaching them that it’s okay to eat dog is a project for 2009.)
- (And one unrealistic wish, just to bring my sunny and optimistic nature to the fore): a new Prime Minister, because no matter which way you slice it, the present one is utterly shit.
Happy New Year to you all, and may your wishes be fulfilled. And if you’re silly enough to share them, then by all means paste them below.
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Comments
God I love Eggs Benedict…
And why is it so hard to find a good cobbler? Sigh.
As to wishes, I only wish this year isn’t as hard as the last one.
Happy loafing in Lincolnshire.
Puss
Some good wishes there, old fellow. For number three I would substitute a pretty French actress and chanteuse. You can probably work out the rest.
Otherwise: the BBC’s costume drama hit of the year is an adaptation of the Flashman novels.
Puritans everywhere see the light or drop dead.
People who have been “offended” by something make their point in a calm, dignified fashion.
Oh, and if you really want to be serious: Obama v McCain for November, with Obama winning. I’d tell you my VP choices, but that might seem a shade geeky and obsessive.
Good list. Niven could do a good Flashman too.
Being a vegetarian, I do wonder about people who eat cows and sheep, hypocritacally drawing the line at cats dogs squirrel - no difference between a quail and a ray flesh-wise - now is there?
Down here in Aus, we have a new PM too - and nobody has criticised him yet; but the suspense is palpable.
fer chrissakes, it’s The ProofReader here:
for ‘raY’ please read ‘raT’, and that is not a spelling error in hypocritical, just another fabulous tpyo
My NY Resolution is to get out of the mess over at Farcebook.
It is quite clear that their ‘Superwall’ facility (which cannot be removed from one’s page) is where they are gonna bombard us with advertisements.
Well, it all rather depends on what the rat and the squirrel have been eating. If it’s stuff out of the bins, plus the odd morcel of dead street pigeon, then I’d probably pass on the feast. If they’ve been eating fresh, free-range tidbits, then hand over a napkin and the salt. Likewise with chickens - I don’t eat the factory farmed sort.
Other than that, I’d go with the line from Withnail & I, uttered after they’ve taken delivery of a live hen:
I think you should strangle it quickly before it starts trying to make friends with us
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